Memes of New York

someecards meme creation for facebook

I have always been a big fan of the late, great Dave Barry. I say late because, as of the writing of this post, he is fifteen years late responding to my fan mail. Seriously though, his writing style has been truly inspirational to me. Every word so carefully crafted, it’s as if his filter was not a six pack of Budweiser, but a chain mail of brilliance. A lot of what made his writing so ingenious was his ability to pull together the most random of objects or discussion points, find a hidden link and tie them together to a wonderfully resounding denouement.

In the hopes of following in his steps, I want to talk about the memes that have recently been littering my Facebook news feed (I am referring to the images with a clever quote overlaid ..or something like that). Where did this phenomenon originate? Who came up with this crazy thing? To find out, I decided to use some investigative journalism. [Note to the IRS: Yes, it has been a long time since I’ve done any investigative journalism, but if you take a look at my previous articles, you will see I definitely do it for business reasons.] This time, my professional journalistic nature took me to the grand city of New York.

For those of you who have not yet been to New York City, let me tell you a bit about this wonderfully stuffed berg. It houses two of the most hated baseball teams in the Major Leagues and is the only logical city for Spiderman to sling around in. Let’s be honest – imagine if Spiderman lived in Omaha, NE. All he could do would be to spin a huge net between the Woodmen Tower and the First National Bank Building. I don’t know about you, but I don’t think he’d be very effective that way unless criminals were sling shooting themselves through the air.

Back to New York. While there, I ran into the tremendously helpful Jolene Smithers. When asked about her knowledge of the funny card corporation, Someecards, she excitedly responded, “Who?” To help jog her memory, I told her I was talking about those funny cards that get passed around a lot on Facebook. Now clear on what I was asking about, she said, “Oh, I don’t do that Facebook thing. Sorry.” That confirms only 1 of the 18 million people living in New York are not familiar with these memes, proving these are obviously significant no matter where you live.

Why does this matter? It matters because these memes are so completely helpful to our daily life. Thousands of barely surviving business struggle on Facebook trying to provide relevant and informative information to their constituent base, but they’re not doing anything for the gazillion Facebookers out there; nobody cares about helpful information anymore – mindless entertainment is the way to go! I could not agree more, as I am certainly a huge fan of mindless entertainment. I must say though that I am not a fan of the letter games going around; I’ve spent all day trying to figure out how many states do not have any vowels and I’m now way behind on work.

That is why I am so fond of Dave Barry’s work; his mind is as disconnected as mine and he doesn’t use words more complicated than “potato”. I’m pretty sure if they had memes back in the 80s, he would have become a millionaire (but only if he had been the one to invent them). [Note to the IRS: I admit this does not seem like a lot of research for an entire trip to New York, but I can assure you that I have more crackpot investigations to come; such as, what would happen if the Incredible Hulk got trapped in the subway? Or, what exactly does crab juice taste like? Trust me, there is a ton more where that came from.]

someecards meme creation for facebook

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A Tax Break—Up

Well, it’s officially tax season again, and we all know what that means: a rise in accountant-assisted suicides. That’s right, Dr. Kevorkian has transferred over to the money management field to help all those facing the impending doom of the IRS (“The William Wallace of government agencies”). As is ninety-nine percent of America, chances are you will have to pay the government instead of receiving a refund. We know things have turned sour when a near poverty-level friend of mine did his taxes last night and learned that he owed the government more money. And he’s in the easiest tax bracket!

That’s right folks, each year it’s getting harder and harder to get money back from Uncle Sam, unless, of course you are his off-spring or your name is Donald Trump. Why does he get a tax break? He should be having people over to the Taj Mahal for dinner saying things like, “Everybody, this round of tax penalties are on me!” But of course, he doesn’t have to pay extra taxes because he has this special word he uses anytime the IRS come near – I can only say it once, for fear that a spying government official might hear it and shrink back under their desks in horror. The forbidden word is “deductions”. Deductions, deductions, deductions. That’s right. Donald Trump has more deductions than Wilt Chamberlin had sleepovers. And you, my friends, have none.

You might be saying to yourself, “I may not have any deductions right now, but I sure will once I get married!” To a single individual looking for the easiest way to scheme money back from the IRS, marriage is the quickest answer. And the plan seemed to actually work for a while. A couple would get married, have scores of children and receive a golden egg’s worth of deductions (I apologize if any undercover IRS agents have stuck gigantic pencils in their ears to block out my repeated use of the word “deduction”). Yet that is not the way it works anymore. Congress, always working for you, has found ways for the IRS to get around the child deduction and still force you to pay an arm and a leg each year. It’s incredibly comforting to know that the legislative branch of the government is working so hard for my benefit, yet I wish they would spend less time finding creative ways for me to give my money to them and start figuring out how to legislate romance.

Thanks to another astute friend of mine, it has come to my attention that Congress (“We cost the most, but we do the least!”) has been spending a lot of time pondering the question of homosexual marriage. Is it legal for two individuals of the same gender to get married? Let me explain the two arguments. One side of Congress wants to allow gay marriages because by the joining of two people together into a legal oneness, it pushes them up into the next tax bracket allowing for more money, and henceforth more cocktail parties of the likes where Ted Kennedy continually manages to always lose his trousers. Ted’s version of the moon-walk has become the stuff of legend around many-a-gossip rings in the Cambridge area. The other side of the argument has to do with the fear that if Congress allows it, many right-wing conservatives will bash their heads in with very heavy books.

Personally, I choose not to hold an opinion on this subject. And this is not just because I could care less. It is because I think the alternative lifestyle community is crazy to push for legal registration for their marriages. Before you go labeling me a bigot, give me a chance to say why. I think it’s in their best interest to keep things the way they are. The gay and lesbian community currently holds a reputation of being chic (“cool” for those that have never picked up a magazine). They congregate in the urban centers of America, where hot coffee shops and late-night dance clubs rule. Why change that? Why trade that in for a suburban home with a back-yard (not that I don’t love mowing the yard in sweltering heat) and a mini-van that is secretly rusting from the inside out? You people are cool, don’t go hanging out with the bath-robe wearing, newspaper reading, early-to-bed crowd!

Before you NRA-trained ready to attack conservatives come running at me, weapons cocked and ready to pummel, hear me out. You all are our nation’s “moral” conscience; the group that is willing to do the dirty work. We all know that the liberals won’t be ready when the time comes to throw out the dead rat they found in the basement—they’ll be screaming at the top of their lungs for you to come and rescue them, the whole time standing on their chairs in panic. And when you catch the rat, they’ll beg you not to kill it, because they decided that its name is Rusty.

I say the non-gay community should let homosexual marriage pass—let our alternative friends take over the mini-vans and the extra tax penalties. The straight community can then go live it up in the recently vacated downtown apartments, making off with their tax returns and laughing all the way to the bank. That’s what everyone wants, isn’t it? The gay and lesbian community can join the real world (“There is NO reality in this reality show”), while the straight people like myself can skip out on all the responsibility and party it up (except that’s what I do now, anyway).

And here’s one last point to give up the fight against homosexual marriage. Over half of all marriages end up in divorce, costing the individuals even more money and tax penalties. I say, if that’s what they want, let’em have it. As for me, I’ll be taking my spare change and putting it in some off-shore account. Or maybe I’ll invest it and open up an all night wedding chapel/accountant’s office/IRS defense headquarters. That way I’ll make sure to have plenty of DEDUCTIONS!