Economy Booming for Make-up Artists

It’s no secret that the Dow Jones and NASDAQ have been hitting new highs lately. There are numerous reasons for this, such as the willingness for every American to continually pay higher prices so that they can fill their gas-guzzling, value depreciating, lemon-ed automobiles with combustible fuel. Of course, there are those who oppose the use of these fossil fuels because of the negative effect on the environment, i.e. global warming. Their viewpoint is that basically everything technological is causing invisible gases to rise up into the atmosphere and create a big hole in the ozone layer which basically means that the sunscreen manufacturers will enjoy profits not even the heads of Enron could have dreamt. Thankfully, the threat of global warming is now official; the committee for the Nobel Prize decided to award Al Gore the Nobel Peace Prize for his efforts to bring this potential tragedy into international spotlight. I think Vice President Gore won because he also invented the internet, causing a drop in international conflict due to readily available free porn all around the world.

Okay, maybe the free porn hasn’t yet put an end to all wars, but it has given countless wives good reasons not trust their husbands even when they are thousands of miles away in a desert where any woman that crosses their path is wearing more clothing than an average Eskimo. Yet this has not answered the big question of Gore’s future: will he decide to run for President? Common sense would say, “Didn’t he already lose once?” which is technically kind of the right answer. But, with the Nobel Prize behind him, his chances to win the popular vote might actually lead this time to the Presidency. Thus, I would like to offer a few helpful hints to anyone seeking a run at the Presidency (my nephew might even get a few votes this time around). The first trick it to make sure that you hold strong to the positions that you carry. Conservative author Ann Coulter does a very good job at staying true to her beliefs. In a recent New York Times article she was repeatedly questioned about her belief that Jews are inferior to Christians. Despite countless people calling her bigoted and a Neo-Nazi, she held strong and kept her opinions clear. “‘We just want Jews to be perfected,’ Ms. Coulter said, explaining why she thinks a Christian America would be ideal.” This comes from an article written in yesterday’s paper by Sarah Wheaton. Later she was asked if she meant for her comments to be offensive. “No. I’m sorry. It is not intended to be. I don’t think you should take it that way, but that is what Christians consider themselves: perfected Jews. We believe the Old Testament. As you know from the Old Testament, God was constantly getting fed up with humans for not being able to, you know, live up to all the laws. What Christians believe — this is just a statement of what the New Testament is.” Shouldn’t the next President be as unabashed and willing to say their mind no matter who they hurt as Ms. Coulter? I would consider that to be a truly refreshing trend in the Oval Office, and it would certainly make for interesting party discussions, especially the debates on where the U.S. is going to build their next prison camp. I vote for northern Indiana – then Notre Dame could throw their football coaches in their as well – we could kill two birds with one stone.

Maybe blatant offensive comments are not the best way to win a crowd; but I definitely know what will make anyone a Presidential front-runner: a proper make-up job. The current trend today is that you must always look your best, no matter if you are running for President, picking up your children from soccer practice, or smuggling cocaine into the United States. Believe it or not, looking your best is important to everyone, just consider the article from today’s Times, discussing the recent arrest of Sandra Ávila Beltrán, better known as the Queen of the Pacific. She has been a high level drug dealer all across Central America and is wanted for extradition to the U.S. for smuggling drugs into Florida, where cocaine has become the new flavor of menthol. “On Sept. 28, more than 30 Mexican federal agents swarmed into a diner where she was having coffee and arrested her. She coolly asked the agents to let her freshen her makeup before the police filmed her transfer to jail. On the videotape, she tosses her hair and smiles for the camera, strutting in tight jeans and spiked heels, on the arm of an agent.” Even notorious criminals can positively impact their reputation with the right look. Mrs. Clinton herself has even given credit to the beauty industry by publicly thanking her hair stylist for her new look and keeping her from making similar bad hair decisions like the ones she made in the past. I don’t think Mr. Gore’s hair has moved since 1990.

What can we learn from today’s headlines? How you look in public is much more important than what you say, and that still holds true if you host a radio show or write articles, because appearance is everything. That is why it is a completely tax-deductible expense for me to go to the ritziest hair salon in town; I have to look my best so my readers can fully enjoy my columns. Also, go out and support your local beautician; they may be overpriced and haven’t attended school since the second grade, but they know what’s best for you and your campaign. After all, we want to continue this economic spiral upward, so at least when the rest of the nation crashes, everyone will be looking their best; let’s just hope that it isn’t the sunscreen manufacturers that are going to push the free market past its breaking point. I’m not sure Mrs. Clinton would look so good as a piece of bacon.

Skewers, Popcorn, and Other Things to Tar and Feather

Lately I feel as if I am in a rather intense malaise. There’s nothing right now to fight for; nothing to stand up against. Of course, I could choose to fight the good fights, against such evil foes as world hunger, terrorism, or the boy band epidemic, but to be honest those topics have become a kind of “old news”. What I need is something I can sink my teeth into—something more interesting than the zany exploits of the late Rosa Parks (I believe she’s scheduled for a sit-in at Nebraska Governor Dave Heineman’s house), but not as controversial as the European dollar (I’ll show them what they can do with their multi-colored money). No, I need to pick up the fight against something that really matters; something that will make people stop on the street when I pass by and say “Who is that?” I’m going to stand up for the fight against the terrible injustice of fiction.

Recently, an alert reader sent me an article from Fox News about the upcoming movie, The Da Vinci Code. “Anger over ‘The Da Vinci Code,’ premiering Wednesday at the Cannes Film Festival, escalated Tuesday as Christian groups from South Korea, Thailand, Greece and India planned boycotts, a hunger strike and attempts to block or shorten screenings”. It appears that numerous Christian groups are attempting to block the viewing of that movie in their respective countries. To them I say “Who are you?”

In some countries, they have even gone to the courts to try and force this movie out of the theaters. I think it’s wonderful that these groups have found something so worthwhile to spend their time on. Since the story is fictional, thus made up entirely in the author’s head, it should be banned from all places public and Dan Brown (the author of the book) should be strung up by his code-breaking fingertips to be tarred and feathered. I’ll be there, standing in the front row eating popcorn. But not the plain kind, I prefer my popcorn with salt and extra butter.

And I won’t be coming alone to the lynching either, I’ll be bringing the real culprit of this movie fiasco—Richie Cunningham. To some of you he might be known as Opie Taylor, Ron Howard, or that annoying guy who directed Russell Crowe in that movie about a crazy mathematician who won a noble prize for being a boxer during the Great Depression. But then again, Mr. Howard’s just the director. I’m personally outraged that Forrest Gump would abandon the flattop and don a shoulder-length poof as main character in The Da Vinci Code. Besides, who’s going to believe that Forrest is actually that smart? “Breaking Bible codes is like a box of chocolates; you never know who’s going to get tired of this movie quote.”

As disturbing as that news is, there are even more important things to fight against, such as the growth of the evil empire known by the public as Fox News. It’s owned by a man named Rupert Murdoch (a.k.a. Darth Vader), who is known internationally as the only man who can belch the entire alphabet while bankrupting millionaires, and break-dance to a Justin Timberlake song all at the same time. Then again, no one is really sure whether he is actually break-dancing to the song or undergoing a series of violent seizures due to intense shudders from hearing something so unmusical. Yet it’s common knowledge that Mr. Murdoch is very multi-talented. In fact, he has been very busy these days acquiring the rights to own things such as the personal web-page phenomenon Myspace (“Satisfying the porn market for the age 6-12 demographic”) as well as purchasing Hillary Clinton. The transition from Democrat to Republican just got expensive.

According to the Seattle Times, “Media mogul Rupert Murdoch, whose Fox News Channel and other conservative news outlets have been skewering Hillary Rodham Clinton for years, will host a summer fundraiser for the Democratic senator, mystifying some observers and enraging others.” This absolutely drives me batty. Who does a skewer anymore? Everyone knows that barbecue is all the rage today. If his fundraiser is going to be successful, he better take the skewer off the menu. Concerning the choice of menu, Liberal blogger David Sirota complained: “The brazenness of this move is almost too much to stomach.” Oh well, I guess that’s what you get from a man who break dances to Justin Timberlake.

Now that I think about it, my malaise is simmering down to a low-level boredom, yet which can easily be brought up to a boil at the mere thought of getting on another airplane. Where else are Americans willing to pay so much to be herded in and out of tiny cylindrical tubes with wings, all the while at the leisure of the flight attendant? This topic may just be enough to make me explode, but that would cause quite a mess. I’ll save that for another column, but before I go, let me persuade you to join the fight for the most important cause known to humanity—something that effects more Americans than can be counted: spontaneous combustion. It can happen anytime, anywhere, and for seemingly no reason at all (yet I would avoid lighting a match near Aunt Betty after she spent two hours in the bathroom turning her hair into a permanent sculpture). It could even happen to…..BOOM