It’s no secret that the Dow Jones and NASDAQ have been hitting new highs lately. There are numerous reasons for this, such as the willingness for every American to continually pay higher prices so that they can fill their gas-guzzling, value depreciating, lemon-ed automobiles with combustible fuel. Of course, there are those who oppose the use of these fossil fuels because of the negative effect on the environment, i.e. global warming. Their viewpoint is that basically everything technological is causing invisible gases to rise up into the atmosphere and create a big hole in the ozone layer which basically means that the sunscreen manufacturers will enjoy profits not even the heads of Enron could have dreamt. Thankfully, the threat of global warming is now official; the committee for the Nobel Prize decided to award Al Gore the Nobel Peace Prize for his efforts to bring this potential tragedy into international spotlight. I think Vice President Gore won because he also invented the internet, causing a drop in international conflict due to readily available free porn all around the world.
Okay, maybe the free porn hasn’t yet put an end to all wars, but it has given countless wives good reasons not trust their husbands even when they are thousands of miles away in a desert where any woman that crosses their path is wearing more clothing than an average Eskimo. Yet this has not answered the big question of Gore’s future: will he decide to run for President? Common sense would say, “Didn’t he already lose once?” which is technically kind of the right answer. But, with the Nobel Prize behind him, his chances to win the popular vote might actually lead this time to the Presidency. Thus, I would like to offer a few helpful hints to anyone seeking a run at the Presidency (my nephew might even get a few votes this time around). The first trick it to make sure that you hold strong to the positions that you carry. Conservative author Ann Coulter does a very good job at staying true to her beliefs. In a recent New York Times article she was repeatedly questioned about her belief that Jews are inferior to Christians. Despite countless people calling her bigoted and a Neo-Nazi, she held strong and kept her opinions clear. “‘We just want Jews to be perfected,’ Ms. Coulter said, explaining why she thinks a Christian America would be ideal.” This comes from an article written in yesterday’s paper by Sarah Wheaton. Later she was asked if she meant for her comments to be offensive. “No. I’m sorry. It is not intended to be. I don’t think you should take it that way, but that is what Christians consider themselves: perfected Jews. We believe the Old Testament. As you know from the Old Testament, God was constantly getting fed up with humans for not being able to, you know, live up to all the laws. What Christians believe — this is just a statement of what the New Testament is.” Shouldn’t the next President be as unabashed and willing to say their mind no matter who they hurt as Ms. Coulter? I would consider that to be a truly refreshing trend in the Oval Office, and it would certainly make for interesting party discussions, especially the debates on where the U.S. is going to build their next prison camp. I vote for northern Indiana – then Notre Dame could throw their football coaches in their as well – we could kill two birds with one stone.
Maybe blatant offensive comments are not the best way to win a crowd; but I definitely know what will make anyone a Presidential front-runner: a proper make-up job. The current trend today is that you must always look your best, no matter if you are running for President, picking up your children from soccer practice, or smuggling cocaine into the United States. Believe it or not, looking your best is important to everyone, just consider the article from today’s Times, discussing the recent arrest of Sandra Ávila Beltrán, better known as the Queen of the Pacific. She has been a high level drug dealer all across Central America and is wanted for extradition to the U.S. for smuggling drugs into Florida, where cocaine has become the new flavor of menthol. “On Sept. 28, more than 30 Mexican federal agents swarmed into a diner where she was having coffee and arrested her. She coolly asked the agents to let her freshen her makeup before the police filmed her transfer to jail. On the videotape, she tosses her hair and smiles for the camera, strutting in tight jeans and spiked heels, on the arm of an agent.” Even notorious criminals can positively impact their reputation with the right look. Mrs. Clinton herself has even given credit to the beauty industry by publicly thanking her hair stylist for her new look and keeping her from making similar bad hair decisions like the ones she made in the past. I don’t think Mr. Gore’s hair has moved since 1990.
What can we learn from today’s headlines? How you look in public is much more important than what you say, and that still holds true if you host a radio show or write articles, because appearance is everything. That is why it is a completely tax-deductible expense for me to go to the ritziest hair salon in town; I have to look my best so my readers can fully enjoy my columns. Also, go out and support your local beautician; they may be overpriced and haven’t attended school since the second grade, but they know what’s best for you and your campaign. After all, we want to continue this economic spiral upward, so at least when the rest of the nation crashes, everyone will be looking their best; let’s just hope that it isn’t the sunscreen manufacturers that are going to push the free market past its breaking point. I’m not sure Mrs. Clinton would look so good as a piece of bacon.