Tag Archives: Home Improvement

So What? I Enjoy Hitting Myself on the Head with a Hammer! | Why Do It Yourself Websites Don’t Work

Originally posted at JM Web Designs.

As much as I would enjoy writing another column focused on undergarments, there is only so much material I can cover. Underwear, as one might say, is only part of the outfit. The question is, do you dress yourself, or does someone else pick out your clothes for you?

Actually, that is not the question at all. Today’s question is directed at those “so-called” home improvement experts that believe you can hang your own drywall, even though the only help you have is your wife who is just over five feet tall trying to hold the drywall against the ceiling while standing on a swivel chair. Don’t worry, mine had only six weeks of rehabilitation after the accident.

What exactly is the point? There is a reason people go to school and train to be good builders – THEY ENJOY THE WORK. I don’t and yet I do it anyway. If we are honest, how many of us figure that if we do certain tasks ourselves, we can save money by not hiring a professional? Allow me to tell you a story.

I thought it would be a great idea to renovate my basement. 1970s paneling was still a few years away from coming back into style and I wanted to make sure I was trendy, so I decided one day to pull off the paneling and re-finish my basement. That was ten weeks ago and I have not had a good Saturday since. Smashed thumbs, dust filling up my lungs, the gentle aroma of the landfill – all things I could have lived without ever experiencing are now my normal weekend routine. Why? Because I was greedy and wanted to save cash. Thankfully, the only people that are forced to look at my basement are my wife, myself, and the friends that I tricked into helping me paint.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OZxh8rZ3rWA&feature=player_embedded

This analogy holds true when building a website. In fact, there are a lot of similarities between home and website construction. For example, do you want one person building an entire home? [No one is allowed to answer, “Yes! Bob Vila!”] There are lots of different specialties that go into building a house – architectural designing, framing, plumbing, electrical engineering, etc… A properly built website requires designers (graphic artists), coders, developers, researchers, marketers, and programmers (guys who sit in the dark and chug Code Red Mountain Dew all day long).

Now, there are people who are better at working with their hands and for most projects a little “imperfection” is acceptable, but not always. When publicly presenting your company do you want to put your best foot forward or allow your potential customers to see the cracks in your drywall? A poorly constructed website can actually cause more damage to your company image than not having one at all. Are the few dollars you might save by constructing a website yourself worth the headaches, frustrations, and eventual throwing of the keyboard?

As my television mentor (Homer Simpson) once said, “If at first you don’t succeed, stop trying.”

Ask Mr. Fix-it Guy

Over the last several days I have received many angry letters from readers who were upset over a statement I made in my previous column—the one about taxes. I know exactly how you feel. I would be upset too if I had just learned that the government requires us to pay taxes! It’s a good thing my readers pay attention to the outside world. Actually they were complaining about my depiction of Republicans and Democrats; the former being all-too-ready to kill a harmless, defenseless, disease-infested rat, and the latter jumping up on a chair to avoid it, yet desiring to let it live and name it Rusty. Before I get into today’s topic, allow me to apologize.

The death threats are right; my depiction of our nation’s political parties is off-center. Allow me to correct this mistake. The Republicans wouldn’t be trying to kill the rat; they would be unleashing about 10 tons of nuclear weapons on it, while the Democrats give over their bedrooms so that the rat may be as comfortable as possible. Of course, the Green Party is pounding on the front door, screaming “Let me in! Let me in!” And that brings us to our topic of today…home-improvement.

Spring is upon us and just as every other home-owner in our credit-breathing country, I want to improve my home—except that I don’t live in one, I rent an apartment. So, in reality, I am no help. But before you go running off to that gigantic warehouse depot, listen to some timely advice. I want to help you make the wise decisions that are necessary in order for you to get worked over properly by the inspector when you try to sell your home. That’s why I’ve decided to bring in everyone’s favorite home-improvement guru, Bob Vila. No, wait, he’s unavailable. I believe it has something to do with an unfortunate mobbing incident outside of a Barnes and Noble on his latest book signing tour. Instead, let me introduce you to America’s second favorite home-improvement maniac, Mr. Fix-it Guy. He is going to respond to your questions using the always-popular question and answer format.

Mr. Fix-it Guy, I want to improve my home (mainly because my wife keeps threatening to make me sleep with the dog if I don’t), but it’s hard for me to get excited about home-improvement when the prices are so high. What can I do to save money while improving my home? That’s easy! Most people think that in order to “do the best job” you have to hire a contractor or landscaper to do the work for you. I say that’s poppycock. Everyone has the ability to do it themselves. So what if your lawn turns into a spawning ground for countless insects and rodents, that’s the way Mother Nature intended it. And if you’re putting in a fire-place, a few large holes in key places can make the difference. You’ll be able do anything if you have the right tools.

Mr. Fix-it Person (I prefer to use non gender-specific terms so I can always be politically correct), I want to build a porch off my back door. What steps do I need to take so that I do it right? Hire a contractor.

Mr. Fix-it Guy, I am an incredibly rich, over-paid executive who likes to waste money. I want to redecorate my home. What do you recommend I do? Allow me to give a plug to the best furniture store out there for the over-paid money wasters—Nebraska Furniture Mart (“I’m afraid I can’t answer that for you, let me find a supervisor.”). This retail establishment is phenomenal at making you pay insane amounts of money and somehow managing to not give you any product in return. I’m just impressed that they found a more efficient way to throw money away than just throwing it away.

Mr. Fix-it Guy, what’s the difference between a load-bearing wall and a “stud” behind the dry wall? That is a great question. Imagine the load-bearing wall is like Wal-Mart (“We’ll be taking over your small town next!”). You wish you could get rid of it so you can turn your basement into suburban pool hall, yet it’s not going anywhere. Of course, you always find yourself going to it at three in the morning for a late-night snack craze. The “stud” is more like Hollywood. It’s there, but if it weren’t, you’d never know the difference.

Mr. Fix-it Guy, are you available for private contracts? Absolutely! I am available any time, except for Monday-Sunday. My prices are on average with other contractors, but I give you the added advantage of never having to actually deal with me. I make you feel like I was never there. When it comes to payment, I require it upfront. I found that if I waited until the job was finished before collecting the bill, I would have to work a lot harder. I take checks, cash, and all major credit cards (except for Discover, that’s a fake company set up by the National Football League so they can spy on their viewers).

That’s all the time we have for today, but make sure to thank Mr. Fix-it Guy for coming and sharing his wisdom. I certainly learned a lot, and I even hired him to paint my apartment for me, but he seems to be running out the door now rather quickly.

“Hey, come back here, I just gave you my credit card!” Oh well, I’ll try to catch up to him. Those contractors are wily characters.