A Tax Break—Up

Well, it’s officially tax season again, and we all know what that means: a rise in accountant-assisted suicides. That’s right, Dr. Kevorkian has transferred over to the money management field to help all those facing the impending doom of the IRS (“The William Wallace of government agencies”). As is ninety-nine percent of America, chances are you will have to pay the government instead of receiving a refund. We know things have turned sour when a near poverty-level friend of mine did his taxes last night and learned that he owed the government more money. And he’s in the easiest tax bracket!

That’s right folks, each year it’s getting harder and harder to get money back from Uncle Sam, unless, of course you are his off-spring or your name is Donald Trump. Why does he get a tax break? He should be having people over to the Taj Mahal for dinner saying things like, “Everybody, this round of tax penalties are on me!” But of course, he doesn’t have to pay extra taxes because he has this special word he uses anytime the IRS come near – I can only say it once, for fear that a spying government official might hear it and shrink back under their desks in horror. The forbidden word is “deductions”. Deductions, deductions, deductions. That’s right. Donald Trump has more deductions than Wilt Chamberlin had sleepovers. And you, my friends, have none.

You might be saying to yourself, “I may not have any deductions right now, but I sure will once I get married!” To a single individual looking for the easiest way to scheme money back from the IRS, marriage is the quickest answer. And the plan seemed to actually work for a while. A couple would get married, have scores of children and receive a golden egg’s worth of deductions (I apologize if any undercover IRS agents have stuck gigantic pencils in their ears to block out my repeated use of the word “deduction”). Yet that is not the way it works anymore. Congress, always working for you, has found ways for the IRS to get around the child deduction and still force you to pay an arm and a leg each year. It’s incredibly comforting to know that the legislative branch of the government is working so hard for my benefit, yet I wish they would spend less time finding creative ways for me to give my money to them and start figuring out how to legislate romance.

Thanks to another astute friend of mine, it has come to my attention that Congress (“We cost the most, but we do the least!”) has been spending a lot of time pondering the question of homosexual marriage. Is it legal for two individuals of the same gender to get married? Let me explain the two arguments. One side of Congress wants to allow gay marriages because by the joining of two people together into a legal oneness, it pushes them up into the next tax bracket allowing for more money, and henceforth more cocktail parties of the likes where Ted Kennedy continually manages to always lose his trousers. Ted’s version of the moon-walk has become the stuff of legend around many-a-gossip rings in the Cambridge area. The other side of the argument has to do with the fear that if Congress allows it, many right-wing conservatives will bash their heads in with very heavy books.

Personally, I choose not to hold an opinion on this subject. And this is not just because I could care less. It is because I think the alternative lifestyle community is crazy to push for legal registration for their marriages. Before you go labeling me a bigot, give me a chance to say why. I think it’s in their best interest to keep things the way they are. The gay and lesbian community currently holds a reputation of being chic (“cool” for those that have never picked up a magazine). They congregate in the urban centers of America, where hot coffee shops and late-night dance clubs rule. Why change that? Why trade that in for a suburban home with a back-yard (not that I don’t love mowing the yard in sweltering heat) and a mini-van that is secretly rusting from the inside out? You people are cool, don’t go hanging out with the bath-robe wearing, newspaper reading, early-to-bed crowd!

Before you NRA-trained ready to attack conservatives come running at me, weapons cocked and ready to pummel, hear me out. You all are our nation’s “moral” conscience; the group that is willing to do the dirty work. We all know that the liberals won’t be ready when the time comes to throw out the dead rat they found in the basement—they’ll be screaming at the top of their lungs for you to come and rescue them, the whole time standing on their chairs in panic. And when you catch the rat, they’ll beg you not to kill it, because they decided that its name is Rusty.

I say the non-gay community should let homosexual marriage pass—let our alternative friends take over the mini-vans and the extra tax penalties. The straight community can then go live it up in the recently vacated downtown apartments, making off with their tax returns and laughing all the way to the bank. That’s what everyone wants, isn’t it? The gay and lesbian community can join the real world (“There is NO reality in this reality show”), while the straight people like myself can skip out on all the responsibility and party it up (except that’s what I do now, anyway).

And here’s one last point to give up the fight against homosexual marriage. Over half of all marriages end up in divorce, costing the individuals even more money and tax penalties. I say, if that’s what they want, let’em have it. As for me, I’ll be taking my spare change and putting it in some off-shore account. Or maybe I’ll invest it and open up an all night wedding chapel/accountant’s office/IRS defense headquarters. That way I’ll make sure to have plenty of DEDUCTIONS!

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